I discovered I developed swelling at the tonsil last friday after a visit to the doctor. At first, I thought it was just normal recurrence viral fever that I had a couple of weeks ago during my trip to Sabah. That answers the reason to why I was having difficulty in eating. BTW, it comes i one package, fever, body aches, difficulty to sleep, lost of appetite (lucky thing it's the fasting month) and duh!weight loss. To be fank, my low immunity system kindda worries me. Everything inside my body seemed to fall to pieces lately. That includes my mood swing, my fast heart beat (and NO, to answer to my "collegue", I don't have anxiety disorder, but the symptoms are similar though),my spinning head, and oh!oh!my broken heart.
And if you guys notice the time, it's now 2.13 am, on a Monday earliest morning, and i just can't get my body to sleep. I swollowed twice the drowsy coughing medicine (2 x 10ml = 20ml), which was supposed to help my ease my painful throat and get me to sleep but somehow, it failed to perform it's job.Wonder if i take another 10 ml of it, what would happen? (Just kindding, I don't want to die sucidal okey!). And talk about my broken heart, I seldom write anything with regards to my inner feelings in this blog. I'm not comfortable to have people reading it and start their own judgement towards me. But well, since I've already kept my fav all time diary in the safest place, I guess I just have to write something to ease my mind over here.
Being 30, I guess I've come a long way to adulthood. When I was 15, i always wonder what I would be like 15 years later. Whether or not I'm having the best career in the world, Married or not (but at that age, I was always a feminist, and my motto "never ever bagi muka to the boys who think that they are smart"), having children and the ultimate one, whether I'm satisfied and content with what I would have achieved or not. So, here I am, at that age, and life is just ...hmm...let me see, normal.it's average. Break it to three things, Career, Marriage, Life as a whole.
Career
When I was a kid, like any other kids in the world, I've got so many ambitions. At 7, i wanted to be a soldier, because that's what noble people always wanted to be. Then, it changed, at 8, I wanted to be a teacher, because I enjoyed educating my friends in case they have difficulty doing their homework, at 9, it changed again, from teacher to THE LAWYER, maybe because it sounded just the right thing to do. And I sticked to that ambition until I reached the age 12-14, in which I wanted to be a physicatric Doctor, because I looked forward to being the so called Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya in school.Somehow, at the age of 15, it all changed when I had a trip to UM Hospital, and hearing talks by Jaafar,one of the medical student seniors there. From there onwards, I set my head to become a doctor. I studied hard for my SRP, earned 6 aggregates with all straight As and ventured to a boarding school. Then, after SPM, my ambition became clearer, nope, not the law, not even the medical school since I got C6 fo biology , I took a path that I'never ever listed in my head, engineering.
So, after 4 years of studying, here I am, with a degree in electrical engineering. Somehow, I'm always a very determined, hardworking and positive girl. And that statement doesn't actually come from me, it came from my father, family and my close friends. I would do my very best to achieve whatever things that come my way and even though it's never easy, at the end of the day, I would managed to do it. Somehow, down the road, that little girl just got too exhausted you see, and decided to take a break, and she made a promise not to overdo the stay. That little girl is me, and now, I'm just too tired to make my way towards climbing the career ladder, not to mention the corporate ladder, lagilah, dah lama aku tinggalkan statement tu. Cuma, I just don't know what is happening to me now, I'm so demotivated, so bored to death, so exhausted and so not knowing what to do and what is best for me anymore. Everyday to the office is a strugle to me. What is worse, aku nie macam orang yang takde arah jer, which is soo not me...
But this is not what I wanted my self to be. I'm sure zila 15 years ago would've hated to see her like this. Something has got to be done, and that was why I decided to try out the post in HQ. To seek new knowledge, to learn something new with a new environment. But come to think of it, that's another stupid mistake that I've done to myself. Cause from what i heard, it's messy there. The whole thing, the work, the HQ environment, and now, I'm stuck with what I consider the stupidest mistake of ones life. And to counter back, I had to face the management and voice out my thoughts and my fear. And at the end of the day now, I'm making so many people around me pening, right from my manager, my GM and the HR GM. So, there goes, what ever thing have i donelah to my career?So, fast forward 15 years, I've learned a lot of new things in my career, the work, the money, people's turst for power, back stabbing, office polictics, name it..But question is, at the end of the day, have i achieved what i wanted when I was 15?That will be another topic inside my blog.At least adalah jugak benda nak tulis kan.
Marriage
To be frank, I've never thought I would ever get married. The word itself scared the hell out of me. I couldn't imagine devoting my self to a husband, lagilah kids kan. Another thing, growing up, I was the kid every parents would dread for. I was very rebellious, and degil pulak tu. I managed to change all that when I entered boarding school though. Maybe because I was away from my parents and somehow, the seperation managed to improve my quality of behavior. Anyway, I was never the mushy mushy I love you, you love me , BF..BF type. In fact, I hated guys during my teenage days. Dare to approach me, and I would gave them THE look. Not just the normal average look, the "Sorry, aku tak minat nak bercintan cintun dengan ko, hellooooooo" look. Yep!that kindda look. And I never understood why my friends were so into this guylah, that guylah...
Then, it all changed when i was in college, when i had the deepest crush for the guy next door. Not any typical guy, he was 2 yrs my junior. I went head over heels for him. Even my friends noticed the difference in me. Sadly, a crush was just a crush, and at the end of the final year, although we remain friends till now, both went different ways and followed different path. So, where was i just now? ok, marriage, then, at the age of 25, after findings THE ONE, I decided it's highly time to get married. But that wasn't the easiest decision made ever. In fact, I would say i'm very poor at making BIG decisions in my life, until now you see. Can't blame the genes, because my parents are not like that. At that particular moment in time, I had many thoughts in mind, my dying brother, my freedom, my singlehood, and to overcome those, I followed my heart and with prayers.
So, here I am, married with the sweetest son ever. Am I happy, let's just say, yeh!I do and I'm content. And I'm lucky to have a hubby who doesn't abuse me, understands me and love me to pieces. Cuma, marriage have it's ups and downs, and I hate the down part. In fact, I'm facing it now, the down part, and it hurts. And I just don't know what to do. Unlike those days when you have friends you could talk to when you have the slightest problem, now, you just can't do that you see. It'll be crazy to call you friends in the middle of the nite to pour your heart out. Let alone driving the car in the middle of the nite and showing your red eyes and bloated face in front of their houses, it'll freak them out.
With that, I have to manage it on my own. But I just don't know how. Call me nuts, but I have a fair argument with him over the topic I came out last nite. Come onlah, just because I'm like this, you know, macam nie, macam takde perasaan nie,macam budak budak niee,,don't think I don't have the jelously feelings. And excuse me, call me nuts again, but please lah, even in my mail or my sms with other people to other GUYSSSS, never have i mentioned the k_ _ _ me word to others. And comelah, not the photos all over the place while I was trying to browse the web!!Even the *I don't know what" guy on earth know how to hide the photos in front of their girls kan...Get it!!Yeah!i know that it's just a joke and it was not mentioned directly and it was just a PLAINN jokeeeee but...ARGGG!pissed me off betul. I've never felt like this before. But now, I do.So, nie rupanya that J feeling, like shit it is rupanyer, but you see, i have a fair argument jugak kan ..and yes, call me nuts the third time again, comelah!! I don't take small kids as my rivals okey."Bring it on" a more senior version sketlah. Anyway, forget I ever written this. I just wanted to pour out what I have inside my head so I won't have to think about it over again.And I know, nothing is going on pun but the fact that if he were in my position and to see me writing such a thing, I'm sure he'll be blown like this too.
Come to think of it, after 5 years in the journey of marriage, sometimes I do feel it has lost its sparks. But don't get me wrong, maybe because of the working environment which causes us human being to loose our sense of fun and humor that we had during the college years.Maybe also, we found ourselves to tight up with our own problems and tiredness that we don't even bother to understand each other's feelings. Maybe there is just a lot of "maybes" . Some people say, If we can pass the digit 10 in our marriage, we would survive the rest of this marriage journey. For at that age, the marriage has reached it's maturity level. But question is, what if we don't ? what happen next?
So, back to the topic of marriage, do I doubt sometimes that my marriage is gonna work? As selffish as I may sound, I do, sometimes. Why? Because in marriage, lies trust, love, commitment and lust, and in marriage also lies betrayal, hurt, hate and revenge. But of course, being a muslim, I'm taught to believe in the power of Doa and qada' and qadar. I'm also just a normal human being, and I don't even know what lies ahead of me.
Anyway, where was I? shit!Like I said, I can't think straight rite now. My head is spinning and my throat is burning, and my body is aching, and so does my heart, Who shall I blame this time? aaah!yes, the hormone, since I'm down with the red flag now. Well, I guess i need to sleep now.
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